I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm passing your future prison.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
