so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
