it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
