my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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