6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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