Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
