WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
