were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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