Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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