i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
