Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize