so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
