You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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