You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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