I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
