I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
