Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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