The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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