Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.