Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
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Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
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He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.