I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
