her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
