I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
