mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
