Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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