i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
