Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
