Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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