Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
