I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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