1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
