there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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