I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
