If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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