I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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