Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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