i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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