Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
