If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
