I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
