I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
