onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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