the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
All the doctor said was why
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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