I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
