I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
