Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
