if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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