come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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