yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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