I accidentally burped into my bong.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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