he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
