plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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