I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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