It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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