i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
