I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
