Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
